May the Lost season premiere bring you all the joy you’re Losting for this year.
Oh yeah, and thank Jeebus the reign of W. The Oily Tyrant will be over.
Remember, remember the fifth of November,
The gunpowder, treason and plot,
I know of no reason
Why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot… homies
Guy Fawkes it up, and blow something up, even if it’s my cell wit yo booty calls.
Today we celebrate Earth Day… unless you’re in Auckland, New Zealand where it’s already Sunday the 22nd. How the fuck are we supposed to give Earth its own special day of commemoration if it can’t give us a whole, non-fractured day? Fuck that.
Earth Day was started in 10,048 XG, the year of Zzaxx0r, a prophet of modern-day Scientology, and, later, the creator of the hit 80’s arcade game, Zaxxon. Little is known about Earth Day except that it is anti-semitic and has trampled all over the sabbath.
Around the world, typical celebrations of Earth Day include the beheading… Sweet! Wonder Showzen has finished downloading! Catch you later!
The two things Americans worship
Well it’s the day after the beginning of the new year, and a day after Sunday. So what are those ever vigilant journalists and newspapers showcasing? Yup, football results and the first babies of ‘06. Yippee fucking skippee.
It’s crazy, when you go to the Newseum website and look at today’s front pages from around the country: they’re largely about a football team and/or some white trash that birfed a baby.
Surely there’s other things to feature besides football and new year babies!? How about new year abortions? On the front page you could have a sonogram of a fetus throwing up ‘the horns’, as if saying, “Sayonara, amigos!”, while a medical instrument scrambles its brains!? I mean, something! C’mon!
Or show the first puppy of the year… whatever’ll please the most readers.
How was your respective, omnipotent-deity/miracle driven holiday? Mine was.
As I was coming home to my apartment building where I, monthly, mail cheques to property owners so as to secure my keyhole for my key, I noticed a warm familiar sight: 3 cop cars nestled close to my building, as if trying to keep warm.
I thought these fine up-proppers of the law were here because my nextdoor neighbor is probably fighting with her boyfriend and, once again, screaming, breaking windows, throwing strereo components down the hall, stabbing him, etc… but I was in the wrong (assumption-wise). The cop-abouts were here for—oh! my neighbor across the hall from me! Yes, by all means, lets keep the rowdys clustered around me. Come along rowdys, I think there’s some space over here!
Truth be told, truthfully, I arrived at my door just as the fuzz were filing out of across-the-hall-neighbor’s door. So in all truthfulnecessity, I don’t know what happened at all. He could have simply misplaced the torso of his latest victim, panicked, and called the police himself, truethin’.
As I set down my items to unlock my door (oh shit! now you know how to unlock my door!), a police asked me if I knew the guy across the hallway and I said, “No.” But not like that—I was all like, “No.”
Pausing for a moment, I looked at the door that faces my own. I then brought my things into my apartment, and somberly closed my door and the view of my poor, helpless neighbor… then I fired up NFL.com and checked Brett Favre’s stats, cuz I need to OWN my fantasy football league, y’all! ChicksNBeer, you’re going down my friend!!! Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
I must be in the “outdoorsy” mood lately. This past weekend I went to check out Pike Lake State Park. It’s a’ight. It’s got a tower. It’s a’ight. It’s got hiking trails. They be a’ight. It’s a bummer that you can hear the highway traffic while hiking along the trails.
I did a quick hike from the parking lot to the observation tower which is located on Powder Hill—named for advertising execs who use to love doing lines of ‘powder’ off of glacial mineral deposits. Powder Hill is the…
“Highest point in Wisconsin??”
No, it’s actually the second highest…
“Second highest point in Wisconsin??”
Lemme finish. It’s the second highest point in south…
“Southern Wisconsin??”
Southeastern Wisconsin. The second highest point in southeastern Wisconsin. It’s what we hip folk call a “kame.” Y’see, back in the days of the wooly mammoth, there was these things called “holes” in meltin’ glaciers, and that’s where rocks and soil flowed, leaving a mound of dirt. That there b’came a kame.
The photos will explain better.
What I Did on My Layber Labor Day Vacation
By Lil’ Matty, Age 8
For my Layber (goddammit) Labor Day vacation, I went to Point Beech Beach Staiyteh State Park. I went to the beach and swam in the beach water lake. I got sand in my clit and fed seagulls crust from my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Point Beach was fun and I want to go there again more.
My Photos
