The two things Americans worship
Well it’s the day after the beginning of the new year, and a day after Sunday. So what are those ever vigilant journalists and newspapers showcasing? Yup, football results and the first babies of ‘06. Yippee fucking skippee.
It’s crazy, when you go to the Newseum website and look at today’s front pages from around the country: they’re largely about a football team and/or some white trash that birfed a baby.
Surely there’s other things to feature besides football and new year babies!? How about new year abortions? On the front page you could have a sonogram of a fetus throwing up ‘the horns’, as if saying, “Sayonara, amigos!”, while a medical instrument scrambles its brains!? I mean, something! C’mon!
Or show the first puppy of the year… whatever’ll please the most readers.
As dad suggests it says we don’t think things will get better, we don’t believe good will triumph; instead we think things will get a lot worse. It’s back to medieval days for us.
Yup, I think David Byrne, The New York Times and, well, pretty much everyone in the free-world (and even some worlds that charge admission) thinks this... except, of course, the developers and committee members in charge of Ground Zero.
Doe-Eyed Child: Daddy, why is stuff so bass-akwards?
Daddy: Well son, that’s called git’n ‘r done, and it’s what my generation is leaving for you. Now how ‘bout that ice cream!
The future is today! Good gracious, this thing is horrid! I think robot wax museums from the 70’s have smoother animations.
When robots start going beserk and killing mankind, I don’t think Harrison Ford will have any trouble picking out these developmentally-challenged robots from a crowd.
Whew, lots of puns in that title.
According to this BBC article, all living dads of malicious time-travellers are safe (and, subsequently, so are the malicious time-travellers). These researchers are using quantum mechanics to explain that probabilities would play out in such a way to prevent you from killing a presently living being. Do ants also get this special time-space insurance?
I just love this stuff. If I had a bigger brain maybe I could’ve had a career as a physicist. But nooo, God had to go and give me a shitty hippocampus… What’d you do God? Drop it on the floor, then just pick it up and stick it in my head anyway? Bastard. I’ve seen better quality-control at my local Burger King!
This is really sad. I saw Mitch Hedberg perform in little ol’ Milwaukee at the Comedy Cafe a few years ago with some friends. I was pretty excited to see he was coming to the Comedy Cafe because I never notice anyone good playing there, let alone someone I’ve seen on television and have enjoyed. He was funny and even endured a heckle that, at the time, seemed merely annoying, but now that I read about him, was maybe more painful.
He apparently suffered from stage fright and would wear sunglasses up on stage or even close his eyes and let his long hair hang in front of his face. The heckler, a drunk piece of whitetrash, yelled, “Open your eyes! Why don’t you open your eyes?” But Mitch managed to keep the crowd with him by giving a funny reply (paraphrase): I have a bad memory, and so I’ve written all my jokes on the inside of my eyelids.
What’s eerie to me is how I’m just reading about his death now after I’ve returned from Minnesota. The two cities I was in were St. Paul (where Mitch is from) and Woodbury, which is where the funeral will be held.
Syncronicity of the bad kind.
“An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.’” -Mitch Hedberg
A little about the whale:
Name: Right Southern
Weight: 44 to 88 tons
Length: 44 to 56 feet
Well, it’s still consistant. It’s being reported that the Magical Mystical Fantablissiful missile defense shield has once again, failed. Aww, nobody likes to hear about failure!
Like last time, the interceptor, or ‘cock-block’ as I like to imagine Bush calling it, sat peacefully in its little silo while the target missile cruised unhindered to its… wherever the hell it’s supposed to go.
Well, this was an easy post for me to write. All I have to do is reuse my mp3 link from the last time I wrote about this, and…
Magical Pixies (mp3) Not work safe, contains f-bombs
Possible irony: maybe if they didn’t cut spending in education, they’d have a dude who’d know how to work the damn thing!?
